ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!
I would love to shoot my mother....grrr. I don't actually want her to die. It's funny how we use that expression when we don't really mean it. I guess I should say something along the lines of, "I don't want to talk to my mother anymore" or "I wish I could move out of state and not have to see her on a weekly basis." I just talked to her and she might have broken a new record. She made me feel guilty/question myself for not one, not two, but THREE separate events. Amazing, huh? For not getting involved in her vitamin business, for gaining 35ish pounds this year, and for deciding to get a puppy. You know what, Mom? I am 26 years old. I really think that SOME of the decisions I make at this point are valid. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not 12 years old anymore. And I wish, just once, that you could make me feel like you support me, unconditionally. Not only if I'm thin and living my life the way that you want me to live it. I don't want to commit to taking 10 horse pills a day at this point in my life. And if I'm not willing to take it, I'm certainly not going to sell it.
Yes, my weight has become a problem. I realize this. You making me feel bad about it doesn't help whatsoever. This has been a power struggle between the two of us as long as I can remember. Back to when I was 9 or 10 and you would constantly question how much I ate...make snide comments if, heaven forbid, I took a section portion, and tell me that I needed to go on a diet. I have NEVER, EVER liked myself. I was getting closer last year, but I've gone and blown all of that, haven't I? And now my eating is out of control and I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to die, I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to get it under control, and I'm scared that I will never live a day in my life at a healthy weight. All of this should push me to do something about it. But instead, I am depressed and I just want to lay on the couch, eat, and sleep. I just wish that I could make it all go away sometimes. I hate that I weighed myself and I was 212.5 today. Last summer or fall wasn't I just devastated over weighing 190? LOL. If only I knew that it would be 22 pounds worse by this year. I am uncomfortable. My belly is starting to get in my way. I am just so sad about it, but at the same time, while the solution feels SO easy and obvious, I feel like I lack the power to do what needs to be done. What's been amazing about this writing though is that there's a voice in my head saying, just get up, pop in the workout tape, get it done. So that's something. I guess I need to listen to it, huh? ;)
As far as the puppy, we are getting an adorable baby Maltipoo in 3 weeks. Assuming nothing falls through, of course. :) I wish I could go and get her today, but I know that she would be traumatized to go through the move in two weeks. And you know what Mom, yes I am going to have a puppy on new carpet. Do you suggest that just because I have a new house that I can't have a puppy? Yes, she will have accidents while she's learning to be potty trained, but such is life. When we move (if we move), the house won't be new anymore, so who cares. We're the ones that will have to live with the state of the carpet. She won't need be potty training forever. Grrrrr!!!!! She is going to make me crazy. I swear. She's hated pets all of her life, and she may have been able to keep me from having one when I lived with her, but not anymore. I am getting my baby and I really don't care what you think. You don't want me to have a real one right now, so that is part of the reason that I am waiting (not the whole reason, but part of it), but you cannot control this decision!
I guess we do live in a free country, so you are free to say what you wish, regardless of how it makes me feel. But I also have the right to send a big raspberry your way. So ttttttthhhhhhhhhhhpppppppppppppppppppppttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!! And BITE ME!!!
Yes, my weight has become a problem. I realize this. You making me feel bad about it doesn't help whatsoever. This has been a power struggle between the two of us as long as I can remember. Back to when I was 9 or 10 and you would constantly question how much I ate...make snide comments if, heaven forbid, I took a section portion, and tell me that I needed to go on a diet. I have NEVER, EVER liked myself. I was getting closer last year, but I've gone and blown all of that, haven't I? And now my eating is out of control and I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to die, I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to get it under control, and I'm scared that I will never live a day in my life at a healthy weight. All of this should push me to do something about it. But instead, I am depressed and I just want to lay on the couch, eat, and sleep. I just wish that I could make it all go away sometimes. I hate that I weighed myself and I was 212.5 today. Last summer or fall wasn't I just devastated over weighing 190? LOL. If only I knew that it would be 22 pounds worse by this year. I am uncomfortable. My belly is starting to get in my way. I am just so sad about it, but at the same time, while the solution feels SO easy and obvious, I feel like I lack the power to do what needs to be done. What's been amazing about this writing though is that there's a voice in my head saying, just get up, pop in the workout tape, get it done. So that's something. I guess I need to listen to it, huh? ;)
As far as the puppy, we are getting an adorable baby Maltipoo in 3 weeks. Assuming nothing falls through, of course. :) I wish I could go and get her today, but I know that she would be traumatized to go through the move in two weeks. And you know what Mom, yes I am going to have a puppy on new carpet. Do you suggest that just because I have a new house that I can't have a puppy? Yes, she will have accidents while she's learning to be potty trained, but such is life. When we move (if we move), the house won't be new anymore, so who cares. We're the ones that will have to live with the state of the carpet. She won't need be potty training forever. Grrrrr!!!!! She is going to make me crazy. I swear. She's hated pets all of her life, and she may have been able to keep me from having one when I lived with her, but not anymore. I am getting my baby and I really don't care what you think. You don't want me to have a real one right now, so that is part of the reason that I am waiting (not the whole reason, but part of it), but you cannot control this decision!
I guess we do live in a free country, so you are free to say what you wish, regardless of how it makes me feel. But I also have the right to send a big raspberry your way. So ttttttthhhhhhhhhhhpppppppppppppppppppppttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!! And BITE ME!!!
posted by Rachel @ 1:23 PM
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