Rather depressed today...
Again, I am a failure. I had 4, count em, 4 good days OP. Then all hell kind of broke loose in my professional life Thursday and I've been eating everything in sight ever since. It's gotten to the point where I can hardly hang around on the WW site anymore....I see all these people that are having so much success and it makes me hate myself even more. I would give everything I have almost to be in the 160's....but I don't seem to be willing to make the effort to get there. Thursday when everything went down...I tried to tell myself, no, don't do it! You'll never get to goal if you start eating everything in sight. And you know what? In that moment, I DIDN'T care. I heard things in my mind, like, oh well, you're never gonna be thin anyway, so you might as well eat what you want. That really scared me. I don't know that I've ever aknowledged that I believe that before. I have so little self confidence that it is scary. Last night I was just thinking about how ugly I was and all of my bad features and how no matter what I weighed, I would still be ugly. :(
Why am I so freaking hard on myself? I have a husband who loves me and tells me that I am beautiful and sexy. I am VERY VERY VERY fortunate to have that. So tell me, why do I care so much about how I stack up to other people? Why do I care so much about what other people think about me? What is the matter with me???
I am about 99% sure that taking the job with *C* is the way to go. My old manager (now a director) asked me to come back to work for him and is working very hard to come up with an offer that will entice me to come back. A part of me really wants to say yes, I'll come back to work for you, because I miss him and miss working with him. But I know that the reasons why I left that job are valid. He can't change ME, and that's real reason that I can't work there. The environment of public accounting just doesn't work with my personality. I would be miserable if I went back there, as much as I'd love to work with those wonderful people again.
So hard to make decisions sometimes.
Why am I so freaking hard on myself? I have a husband who loves me and tells me that I am beautiful and sexy. I am VERY VERY VERY fortunate to have that. So tell me, why do I care so much about how I stack up to other people? Why do I care so much about what other people think about me? What is the matter with me???
I am about 99% sure that taking the job with *C* is the way to go. My old manager (now a director) asked me to come back to work for him and is working very hard to come up with an offer that will entice me to come back. A part of me really wants to say yes, I'll come back to work for you, because I miss him and miss working with him. But I know that the reasons why I left that job are valid. He can't change ME, and that's real reason that I can't work there. The environment of public accounting just doesn't work with my personality. I would be miserable if I went back there, as much as I'd love to work with those wonderful people again.
So hard to make decisions sometimes.
posted by Rachel @ 12:02 PM
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