So - it's been a busy day!

But a good one! I've spent a ton of money, which is always fun. But I got 3 work shirts, a shirt to wear out tonight, a pair of jeans, 2 bodyshapers, a cute long sleeved t-shirt, a couple pairs of earrings, and a new pair of boots, which will pretty much be my every day shoes for the winter. I do need to work on my wardrobe, . It's sad how things wear out and start to look ratty. But I'm really excited to have some pretty new shiny clothes to wear to work next week. AND, I'm getting all of my too long pants altered, $45 to alter 4 pairs of pants, so basically, I'm saving 4 pairs for the price of one, so I'm pretty happy about that! So it will almost feel like a new winter wardrobe by the time we're done! So basically, I'll have a new winter wardrobe for about $350, not too terrible. :)

I also booked my little weekend to visit my dad - $250, so not cheap by ANY means, but it will be really good to see them. My family has been in a new house for years and I've never even seen it, so it's long past time. It's already been 4or 5 years since I went there last, which is really sad and hard to believe.

I have about an hour and 20 minutes until I need to start getting ready. What I should do is work out. What I want to do is take a nap. What I'll probably do is waste the time here on the computer. I'm pitiful. :) You'd think after going and trying on clothes that I'd be inspired to work out more! Especially since 6 months ago I was buying large shirts, and now I'm back to extra larges....sigh....

I am frustrated with myself as I think about how often I buy clothes. It's not as often as some, I'm sure, but when I buy, I'll tend to buy stuff that I don't really like or need. So I've got a TON of clothes, most of which I don't wear. Oh well, at least the stuff I bought today is good. I'm a little concerned about the top I bought to wear out tonight. I feel too fat to wear sleeveless shirts, but I guess I'll just be brave and go for it. :)

Mornin! *yawn*

I am really sleepy....I'm supposed to meet my friend Kevin for lunch in about 45 minutes and I still need to shower and get ready, but I'm sitting here writing this instead of doing that. Amazing, huh? :)

Today is day#5 back OP. I am a little nervous and I hope that that goes away. Like I mentioned before, my weigh in day is Friday, so even though it hasn't been a full week, I did my weigh in this morning and I was at 188.5. I am amazed how much the scale has fluctuated for me, but I'll go with it.

I am bound and determined to work out today, even if it's only a 30 minute walk. I can do that, at least. I was getting all frustrated because I was feeling like I needed to do lots and lots of exercise and then the last two days I've done nothing, so I decided that I can commit to at least 30 minutes, almost every day. That's not an unreasonable goal. And I may even be able to do it over lunch somedays once I start working again next week, so how great would that be?

I REALLY need to get going. But I'm SO sleepy :( I really just wanna curl up on the couch and go back to sleep. :( I'm hungry but I don't even want to go out for lunch. LOL, how pathetic and whiny do I sound right now?

I talked to my dad last night, and it looks like I'll be heading out to visit him either next weekend or then last weekend of the month. I'm excited to go. :) I even found a ticket for next weekend for only $214, but I can't book it until I talk with my stepbrother, so if I lost that great price, I'm gonna be ticked! Grrrr..I hate when people don't respond to me right away. I am an impatient girl. :D

All right, off to shower and then to Olive Garden. With any luck, I'll either be awake after that, or I can come home and nap then. And, I'm going to watch my friend sing karaoke tonight! YAY! Maybe I'll even sing one or two. ;) Who knows, the voice is still a little froggy from the cold.

Day #3 of my own personal biggest loser challenge...

Of course I'm using WW (online) and not exercising nearly as much as the real biggest losers. ;)

I didn't weigh myself yesterday, but I just couldn't resist today. Sad, I know. :) But I was 191 today, so I am glad that there was some water weight included in the 195.5. I have eaten within my points and walked for 45 minutes for the past two days. Woo hoo! My official weigh in day is set for Friday, which I want to keep it at, so this will be a short weigh in week, but that's okay. I'm pretty darn proud of myself, especially considering how congested I am.

I'm both glad and frustrated that I got sick this week. At least I didn't have to work while I was miserable, but I do wish I could have felt a little better during my time off! Don't get me wrong, I've still enjoyed my vacation, but it obviously would have been nice to feel 100%. And I'm starting to get excited about starting my new job, so that's hopefully a good sign. I pray that this one works out better than the last one did. I don't want to change jobs again. Not for awhile.

To do list for the week

So...I am fortunate enough to be on vacation this week. Now keep in mind, I'm not feeling too great, so I can't be QUITE as productive as I'd like, plus I do want to relax this week. BUT, I want to make sure I get a few things done this week, so I thought in the spirit of procrastination, I'd make a list instead of just starting on something. LOL.

1. Eat within points (including AP's and FP's) every day (done Mon-Thursday).
2. Do some sort of activity every day (done Monday and Tuesday :/).
3. Clean master bathroom.
4. Clean hall bathroom.
5. Vaccuum apartment.
6. Dust.
7. Pick up apartment.
8. Vaccuum and clean car.
9. Take pants to get tailored (done Thursday).
10. Get brakes fixed (done Monday).

The ones in italics HAVE to get done, but I'd like to get everything done. I have to take advantage of my time. :)

Good morning/afternoon! Day #2...

So far so good....I've had my planned 6 points so far. 1/2 cup oatmeal, 1 cup skim milk, and 14 grams of almonds. Yum...I'm pleasantly full, which is good. Mentally speaking...I'm still thinking about food, even though I'm not hungry. I swear I have multiple personalities, at least when it comes to food/weight loss. I am SO not kidding. Last night when I was planning my menu for today, I was thinking, wow, wouldn't it be great if I could come in right at 24 points today since I had a high day yesterday (a little bit of backstory, in the 6 years I've done WW off and on, I've probably come in at target once or twice, so that is huge that I'm even thinking that), but then on the other hand, I'm thinking about all of the food I want to eat today. And then a part of me is thinking today, yay, I can do this and I'm going to get all the way to goal and lose the 30-50 pounds I still want to lose. But I am afraid of that kind of thinking....because I've felt that way SO many times before. I feel like after starting and stopping and losing and gaining so many times that I should be an expert by now. Shouldn't I have some words of wisdom on how to do this? Shouldn't I know the secret by now??

Well, to tell you the truth, I know that there is no secret. Eating less and moving more are the keys to losing weight. I know this, I have no problem comprehending this fact. What I DO have a problem with is following through. I will have 3 or 4 great days, where I feel STRONG and like I am doing it again, and then some opportunity comes along, be it cookies, frozen custard, pizza, whatever, and I cave and decide "Oh well, I'm never gonna be thin anyway" and go nuts. And it's not just that meal. It's the rest of the day, the rest of the week, whatever, until I come back to my senses or my pants get tight. It's such an all or nothing for me. I think from what I've read that thin people (and this is the argument that many overweight people will try to use) DO eat what they want. *BUT* the secret is not that they have a higher metabolism or better genes. They just don't continue to eat everything in sight for the rest of the day. ;)

Well, I'm just gonna make it through the rest of the day. I really want to work out a lot today, but I am still battling a cold, so we'll see how it goes. I can't breathe TOO well, so I'm probably not gonna be doing anything TOO strenuous, but I do think I can walk and doing my supercharged sculpting (or at least the weight parts).

If you've made it this far through my babblings, thanks for reading. :)

Day #1 of BL Challenge

Weight: 195.5 (I was pretty close) Yikes...how sad that I was 188 just a little while ago :( And 179 back in March :(
Didn't do measurements
Points eaten: 34 (24 target + 2 AP's and 8 FP's) - not too bad considering I had Cheesecake Factory today
AP's earned: 2 (55 min walk)

I feel pretty good. I am bummed that I am where I am, but I know that beating myself up about it won't change anything. All I can do is go forward from here and make better choices going forward.

I have my menu planned at 30 points tomorrow, and I'm planning to earn 4 AP's tomorrow, by taking an hour walk and doing Supercharged Sculpting.

I am happy. I want to do this. I have to do this. Challenge is to make it all the way through Oct 100% OP with 4-5 workouts per week. :)

I'll report back tomorrow!

Biggest Loser Challenge starts tomorrow!

Or right now, depending on how you want to look at it! ;)

After a good (I hope) night's sleep (I'm finally starting to feel a little better after catching a cold Thursday)....I will post stats AGAIN....I'm guessing 195. :( Sigh...

Oh well. Tomorrow I am starting AGAIN....going on a walk and doin a FIRM tape, even if it kills me!

I want to do a biggest loser challenge with myself...

I am SO lovin this show! I'm so glad that it's back on. I am not making any promises through the end of the week because I know that I have Sheridan's planned, but I think I am going to completely cut out sweets again starting Saturday and exercise like a Nazi. If they can do it, I can do it!

I am SO happy that the Missouri guy made it. :)

The Tennessee guy is SO making me cry....his kids are freakin adorable.

I hope I don't burn myself out, but I am SO excited to start this challenge!!!

191 again...

I have tracked yesterday and today. I feel good about that. I am going to try REALLY hard to eat the way I should and stay OP and to not beat myself up anymore. I don't like being back in the 190's at all, but I know what I need to do. Thank goodness that the job situation is worked out. When my mind is at peace it is much easier for me to eat right and exercise. Hubby just offered to go on a walk with me, so I excited for that. :) All I can do is my best, but I don't want to give up anymore. Even if I go over, as long as I track it and don't totally throw in the towel, I will be happy. :)

Oh, and when my skinny pants fit again, I'll be happy about that too!!

Learning to grow up and become my own person...

I've never been an assertive person. By nature, I am a people pleaser, and have always put other's needs before my own. There were a few times that I tried to stand up for myself as a teenager, but I got negative reactions from other people, which I didn't like, so I didn't do it much. All I wanted was for people to like me, to the point that I did things that I'm not proud of today. It follows then, that if the reaction I got for standing up for what I wanted was a negative one, that I stopped caring about (or really even asking myself) what I wanted to do. If I wanted to stay home and relax on a Saturday but my friend Donelle was going to a relative's house out in the country with her mother and wanted a buddy to tag along for entertainment, of course I would go. Who cares that her mother was a terribly negative person and would make the entire trip miserable? She might stop being my friend otherwise, right? And Lord knows I couldn't possibly find another friend. I was so lucky that this beautiful goddess wanted to be my friend, right? She had a lot of guy friends, she was fun, she was glamorous, she had this air about her, like somehow she was misplaced in the midwest, and like she was destined for something greater. I don't know why I always felt that way. Like I was so undeserving of love and affection that if I was lucky enough that someone was willing to be my friend or boyfriend, I better do whatever they wanted to keep them happy with me, otherwise they would leave me and I'd be alone again. I am very sad for my younger self now. I was so unhappy and lonely, and desperate for love. Probably a common story, but it sure wasn't a fun time of my life. I really wish I could have enjoyed life more when I was younger.

I really think God protected me during this time, because I think a lot of girls in similar positions end up being very promiscuous, but for whatever reason, I never got much attention from guys, probably because I was petrified of guys and couldn't speak in their presence. :) And for that I am thankful. I've done many things I regret, but I am blessed that my list of sexual regrets is very short. I've been forgiven for the things that I did do, but they leave scars behind that you can't ever get rid of. My friend N has told me that since she has been with so many guys that she'll have all of these images in her mind when she is with her husband and that it makes her very sad.

Wow, I ended up WAY off topic here. :)

What I was trying to get to is that I think I am starting to grow up...at 26, I am finally starting to feel like a grown up. For so long I felt so young and like I couldn't possibly be a grown up. But now, after a series of experiences in my life where I realized that the only constant in my life is God and that people would let me down all of my life, I realized that the only one I really have to answer to is him. And if people don't like me because I stand up for myself, then those people aren't really my friends. I think learning to stand up for who I am and what I want is crucial to all aspects of my life and that it will play a part in my weight loss. For so long food has been the only constant in my life. I want to take charge and become the healthy, fit person I deserve to be. I deserve to treat myself well, to be healthy, and to stand up for what I want. I don't want to do something to hurt other people, but other than that, I am going to become a much bigger supporter of myself. :)

Rather depressed today...

Again, I am a failure. I had 4, count em, 4 good days OP. Then all hell kind of broke loose in my professional life Thursday and I've been eating everything in sight ever since. It's gotten to the point where I can hardly hang around on the WW site anymore....I see all these people that are having so much success and it makes me hate myself even more. I would give everything I have almost to be in the 160's....but I don't seem to be willing to make the effort to get there. Thursday when everything went down...I tried to tell myself, no, don't do it! You'll never get to goal if you start eating everything in sight. And you know what? In that moment, I DIDN'T care. I heard things in my mind, like, oh well, you're never gonna be thin anyway, so you might as well eat what you want. That really scared me. I don't know that I've ever aknowledged that I believe that before. I have so little self confidence that it is scary. Last night I was just thinking about how ugly I was and all of my bad features and how no matter what I weighed, I would still be ugly. :(

Why am I so freaking hard on myself? I have a husband who loves me and tells me that I am beautiful and sexy. I am VERY VERY VERY fortunate to have that. So tell me, why do I care so much about how I stack up to other people? Why do I care so much about what other people think about me? What is the matter with me???

I am about 99% sure that taking the job with *C* is the way to go. My old manager (now a director) asked me to come back to work for him and is working very hard to come up with an offer that will entice me to come back. A part of me really wants to say yes, I'll come back to work for you, because I miss him and miss working with him. But I know that the reasons why I left that job are valid. He can't change ME, and that's real reason that I can't work there. The environment of public accounting just doesn't work with my personality. I would be miserable if I went back there, as much as I'd love to work with those wonderful people again.

So hard to make decisions sometimes.

The interview...

Well, I made it there. Although I did almost forget to fill out my application, I bought shoes that were at least a half size too big so I couldn't walk very well while I was there, and I had a little bit of trouble finding the place. :)

I think the interview went really well. The job sounds really challenging and interesting. I liked the manager a lot. It sounds like there's real potential there, as opposed to *H* where I have no real hope of promotion and am getting nothing out of my degree and experience. This one sounds like a really good fit with my background. I'm really excited about it. So I guess all I can do now is pray and cross my fingers!!! :)

188 today baby!

Can I tell you how happy I am to see that number? To see 18anything would have been really exciting! I am feeling really good. :D

I have an interview in less than 3 hours...I really need to be on the road in about 2. I still need to get ready and buy shoes and panty hose. Wow, I am the queen of procrastination! I can't believe I've put everything off so badly. And I never took the time to write down interview questions or research the company either....I'm not quite on it, am I?

Does this mean my heart's not in it? Huh. I am probably just jaded with the whole interview thing....I've just done it WAY too much in the last year and a half. I'm tired of interviewing. I just want to find a job that's not a sweat shop or a joke. I don't think that's too much to ask. Somewhere in the middle would be great. :)

Day #2

Day #2 and still goin strong!!! Daily weigher here (and not ashamed of it) and I was 190 today. I can't wait to be in the 180's again!!

I walked for about an hour with my sis today, we walked to Target, and bought a few things, so I don't know if the time there counts or not, but still, I was happy with that. Also, I attempted a new FIRM tape...those things make me realize how totally out of shape I am, LOL! My friend gave me the BSS2 series (I already have the Transfirmer series)....wowee! I'm gonna attempt another one tomorrow. :D I ate 35 points yesterday and 35 today...the only thing I'm nervous about is Saturday, since my week was kind of jacked up this week with Labor Day. I'm really wondering if I should weigh in on Fridays...hmmmm...there's a million reasons to weigh in each days. I'd really *like* to end up eating the same amount of points every day, so it really shouldn't matter what day I weigh in, but that really doesn't seem to work over the weekends. I've def. felt like I was holding back to eat 35 today and yesterday. I'll just have to give it time. I may switch back to Saturday weigh ins...we'll see how it goes.

I am feeling SO good....I am so happy that my stomach feels normal again. I *hate* that post-binge lethargy...feeling like you can't move, head hurts, stomach hurts, everything hurts, ya know? Today my stomach has felt SO normal and it's been SO nice. I've not been overly hungry or full...I haven't felt sick or like I have heartburn...it's SO good. Eating right has so many rewards besides just the overall health and weight loss benefits. Having energy, feeling good, all of that stuff makes it SO worth it. And when you binge, you don't really enjoy all that food anyway....when you actually have a treat, planned into your day, you enjoy it *SO* much more than when you're eating everything in sight. Today I made some chocolate cupcakes (a Cooking Light recipe), and they were delicious....I had *one*...and I enjoyed it SO much. I really really wanted to eat more than one, but that totally would have ruined it. It was so good and I am so proud that I stopped at one. I froze two more for myself whenever I can fit them in and told DH that the rest were his. So I know that I'm done. Which is important to tell myself. It's all about setting limits.

I feel good!! :D

I'm back, baby!

Start weight: 238.0
Current weight: 191.5
Goal weight: 145.0

I'm exactly 1/2 way, isn't that cool?

Arm Measurement: 14
Waist Measurement: 42 (ugh)
Hip Measurement: 49.5 (double ugh)

It feels SO good to be back!!

I signed up for WW online today and I feel good about it. I have had my success so far with WW, so I decided to go back, but to do the online option instead of meetings. It's cheaper, I don't have to make a meeting, I don't have to deal with the snarky people at the WW center, and I really like their online features.

Today I am planning to have 29 points. And I'm planning to do a FIRM DVD and hopefully a walk with hubby later. Plus I have to clean my disgusting apartment, so that's something too. ;)

WOO HOO!! I'm feelin GREAT!!!!

A new day....

I don't know how many "come to Jesus" moments I've had in my weight loss journey...more than I could count probably. I've said many times in the last 6 (oh my word, has it been that long?) months, that I've been struggling. But now matter how many times I "start over", I haven't been able to string more than a week or two together of being OP during this time. I had a great week last week, lost like 6.5 pounds....then I started freaking out about applying for a new job and what did I do? I turned to food...AGAIN! It's like a never ending habit that I just haven't been able to break! The only constants in this equation are that:

1. Binging doesn't make the stressful situation go away.
2. Binging makes me feel worse, not better.
3. All that happens is that I gain weight and feel worse.

Thanks to my awesome friend Nikki and the WW 100+ board, I haven't given up this time, which is SOMETHING at least. I am up probably 10ish pounds (again) from my lowest ever back in March 2006 of 179.6. I am afraid to step on the scale right now, but I will face it tomorrow.

So officially, as of this moment. I am starting, AGAIN, again. LOL. Thank you Nikki, Shaun, Lara, and all of the wonderful people who care about me, love me thick or thin, and listen to my babble. I don't know how I lost that initial motivation (except maybe the stress of tax season and being at work 70-80 hours a week) and I don't know how to get it back. All I can do is make a decision that I will do this. For myself. To be a healthier, happier person. To make sure that I am around for my family and friends. To be healthy when I get pregnant someday in the future. To have a longer, healthier life. To achieve my goal of being able to shop in any store I want.

Thank you God that I have the opportunity to continue to try again. I need to stop taking these second chances for granted.

As Nikki, my ultimate inspiration says, I am gonna MAKE IT HAPPEN!! I am excited!!!!! :) Tomorrow I will post new starting stats and all that good jazz!!! :D

VERY ANGRY...

Why do I stay friends with negative people?

WHY????

DH and I just bought a new laptop. I really, really, really thought hard about it. Yes, we are in a lot of debt. Yes, we want to get out of debt. NO, we should not be making big purchases right now. BUT, DH made sure we got a year no interest financing. He got the laptop on sale. We didn't just make this decision on the spur of the moment. A lot of thought went into this.

My laptop was broken, I don't go out on the weekends, I sit at home and play on the computer. So no, it isn't an essential expense, but it is very important to me. There are SO many things that I don't buy, that I've cut back on, things that I want to do but don't.

So please don't tell me that I'm *ALWAYS* spending money that I don't have. That's not at all fair.

Ridiculously bored....

There are so many constructive things I could do right now. Workout, clean my kitchen, start some laundry, but I don't really care to do any of those things. I'm feeling a little comatose after finishing an enormous box of cookies....blah....I am so fat and disgusting right now!!!!!!!!!!

I may just take a cookie induced nap right now.

Ben & Jerry's and Famous Amos cookies...

So bad for my body....SO good for the soul....


Ahhhhhh.....Fossil Fuel....you are my new best friend. :)

And they pay me for what exactly?

HOLY FREAKIN CRAP!!!!!!! I am so sick of sitting at work, day after day, with nothing to DO! It is Friday and I've maybe done 5 hours of work all week. Do you know how long the day feels when you spend your whole day refreshing the WW message boards as your only source of stimulation? And then if I ask for things to do, it's all crap/busy work. I am just SO frustrated. I went to college, I got a master's degree, I passed the CPA exam. I can handle more than data entry in Excel, for goodness sake. I don't understand how people stay at this company for 10, 20, 30 years. I don't understand how they don't realize that their profitability problem could easily be helped if they didn't pay people good money to do nothing. I know I have it better than most people do, but I am not the only person in this situation here. This just makes me angry. I am intelligent and capable, and I am just getting dumber and more worn down by the day. I went from the extreme of being stressed all the time and never feeling like I could keep up, to having NOTHING to do. No challenge, no objectives, no goals, no progress, no development. NADA. I feel guilty for complaining so much, like, should I just be happy that I make a decent salary and just shut up about it??? I know many people would be happy to make what I make, and I am grateful that I am employable. It's just that it seems like taking this job was a mistake.

I just need to keep thinking about my interview next week. Although the stupid HR person EMAILS me back after I left her a voicemail (and I told her in the voicemail that I needed to discuss the timing of the interview...grrr..) and then says I'm confirming that we are meeting Tuesday, September 6th. Now I assume that she means Wednesday, September 6th, but we all know what assuming does. She is not responding my email and with the whole long weekend thing, if she's thinking Tuesday, it's gonna be a problem. She didn't tell me where to park, what floor to come to, or really much of anything. I am just so frustrated right now that I could scream. I really need to catch up on sleep this weekend. I feel like I am going to explode today.