Saturday

I'm in a pretty decent mood today, which is unusual for a blog post. :) It probably helps that I've exercised today. My home is trashed and my mother is coming over in approximately 3 hours...but other than that. ;)

My sister and I went back for our second week (this time around) WI with WW. She was down 3.6!! I was so proud of her. I was down 1.4, which I'm thrilled with considering that my eating was really not too great. Too much tempting snacky crap that I gave into this week. Seeing that loss this morning and the walking I've done already today is helping to motivate me today, though. For the first time in a long time, I do NOT feel like shoving food in my face. HOORAY!!!

I'm trying to get up and do a workout video....it might be a bit of overkill, but I'd really like to start strength training...so I better get to it. Guess this is a bit of a boring post. :)

Finances suck royally...

It's interesting how several areas in your life can feel so out of control. For me, it's obviously my finances and my weight. We are currently sitting at about $273.7K in debt. Is that not the most frickin insane thing ever? Granted, $169.8K of that is on our house. That is a justifiable debt, so we'll put that amount to the side. So what makes up the other $103.9K? Approximately $66.6K in student loan debt (isn't THAT ironic?), $5.5K to my mom that she loaned us for a down payment on the house, $20.4K on our vehicles (approx $9.5K of this is for a motorcycle and related expenses - don't get me started, the rest is refinanced CC debt), and approximately $11.4 in unsecured debt. Listing it all out like that just makes me want to throw up. The fact that my husband has NO issues with taking out another $9.5K in debt (I wouldn't be surprised if it ends up being more) because he has to have the frickin motorcycle is SO frustrating to me. He has no interest in the finances beyond thanking me for taking care of them. If I try to talk to him about the finances, his eyes just glaze over. Of course he has no problem asking for more money or telling me he "needs" this or that constantly. I just want to scream at him sometimes. And the thing that is the most stressful about this motorcycle is that we honestly cannot afford this additional payment, not to mention the $100/month that it's going to take to insure this bike. It's not a matter of doing without this or that. The money just isn't there. This has to be the stupidest thing that we've done. He's "committed" to working a second job to make the payments, at least for a year (too bad that the payments last four years and insurance will last forever). The thing is, that he whined and nagged and prodded me long enough, and then I stupidly decided that I wanted to get a puppy that we honestly can't afford either, so I gave in on this to get my puppy and some peace. Stupid stupid stupid. He swears that he won't ask me for another toy for a long time, but I have my doubts. I just wish we could make this go away overnight. Obviously it doesn't work that way (at least not without losing our cars, credit status, and our home). I can see why they say that finances take such a toll on a marriage. Right now part of me wishes that I could just walk away, because I don't really ever see this ending, and that is sad. :( I know I am blessed to have him in many ways, but the bad/frustrating really seem to outweigh the bad at the moment.

We had a talk the other night about kids and I told him how sad I was that I wouldn't be able to stay at home with our kids. The option that I've been defaulted into is that my mother-in-law will watch our future kids during the day while we're at work. His response? "My mom will take good care of them" Oh, like she does of our bratty nieces? The ones that eat nothing besides fried foods and sweets? The ones that are well on their way to becoming obese? Like that? It doesn't matter to him at all that I want to stay at home with our children. I eventually got an "I'm sorry" before he started joking around to try to get my mind off of the subject. I really, really, really wish I'd been smarter as a teenager. I didn't give what I wanted out of life a second thought. I honestly thought I was so lucky to find one guy that cared for me that I didn't give one thought to what I wanted out of life, I pretty much devoted all of my energy towards his wants and needs. Not that I've been deprived (see debt paragraph above), but when you're both racking up the credit cards, it's hard to be deprived. The problem is that one day, I had a wake up call and realized that all of my money was now tied up in debt repayment, and he hasn't really ever had that moment. I know we're going to go back and forth about this one for the rest of our lives. I don't think that we agree on child raising, money, planning for the future, or anything. It just makes me want to cry or scream. I honestly don't know what to do.

On another note, I walked my puppy for about 5-10 minutes at lunch today, and she's slept for the last 4 hours with NO protests. Weird. I guess I will have to keep doing this.

So....I've accomplished nothing today. Not even a shower. Kitchen is a mess, husband's pants aren't ironed (GRRRRRRR), no dinner working or even planned. Blah blah blah. I'm such a ray of sunshine! ;)

My plan is just to try to pay the MC off ASAP. I know getting our savings built is important to, and I'm going to keep sending that off (Lord willing), but any excess or amount that I can cut is going to go towards freeing up that $87 per month. Then I'll be able to breathe a little bit better. Then next in line is the stupid Lowe's card. After that, I'm fine with focusing on putting everything towards our contingency fund.

Why does life have to be SO stressful? Why do we have to make it that way?

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I would love to shoot my mother....grrr. I don't actually want her to die. It's funny how we use that expression when we don't really mean it. I guess I should say something along the lines of, "I don't want to talk to my mother anymore" or "I wish I could move out of state and not have to see her on a weekly basis." I just talked to her and she might have broken a new record. She made me feel guilty/question myself for not one, not two, but THREE separate events. Amazing, huh? For not getting involved in her vitamin business, for gaining 35ish pounds this year, and for deciding to get a puppy. You know what, Mom? I am 26 years old. I really think that SOME of the decisions I make at this point are valid. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not 12 years old anymore. And I wish, just once, that you could make me feel like you support me, unconditionally. Not only if I'm thin and living my life the way that you want me to live it. I don't want to commit to taking 10 horse pills a day at this point in my life. And if I'm not willing to take it, I'm certainly not going to sell it.

Yes, my weight has become a problem. I realize this. You making me feel bad about it doesn't help whatsoever. This has been a power struggle between the two of us as long as I can remember. Back to when I was 9 or 10 and you would constantly question how much I ate...make snide comments if, heaven forbid, I took a section portion, and tell me that I needed to go on a diet. I have NEVER, EVER liked myself. I was getting closer last year, but I've gone and blown all of that, haven't I? And now my eating is out of control and I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to die, I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to get it under control, and I'm scared that I will never live a day in my life at a healthy weight. All of this should push me to do something about it. But instead, I am depressed and I just want to lay on the couch, eat, and sleep. I just wish that I could make it all go away sometimes. I hate that I weighed myself and I was 212.5 today. Last summer or fall wasn't I just devastated over weighing 190? LOL. If only I knew that it would be 22 pounds worse by this year. I am uncomfortable. My belly is starting to get in my way. I am just so sad about it, but at the same time, while the solution feels SO easy and obvious, I feel like I lack the power to do what needs to be done. What's been amazing about this writing though is that there's a voice in my head saying, just get up, pop in the workout tape, get it done. So that's something. I guess I need to listen to it, huh? ;)

As far as the puppy, we are getting an adorable baby Maltipoo in 3 weeks. Assuming nothing falls through, of course. :) I wish I could go and get her today, but I know that she would be traumatized to go through the move in two weeks. And you know what Mom, yes I am going to have a puppy on new carpet. Do you suggest that just because I have a new house that I can't have a puppy? Yes, she will have accidents while she's learning to be potty trained, but such is life. When we move (if we move), the house won't be new anymore, so who cares. We're the ones that will have to live with the state of the carpet. She won't need be potty training forever. Grrrrr!!!!! She is going to make me crazy. I swear. She's hated pets all of her life, and she may have been able to keep me from having one when I lived with her, but not anymore. I am getting my baby and I really don't care what you think. You don't want me to have a real one right now, so that is part of the reason that I am waiting (not the whole reason, but part of it), but you cannot control this decision!

I guess we do live in a free country, so you are free to say what you wish, regardless of how it makes me feel. But I also have the right to send a big raspberry your way. So ttttttthhhhhhhhhhhpppppppppppppppppppppttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!! And BITE ME!!!

Sad and pathetic

I hate feeling this way but it's true...

I've gained I don't know how much weight back this year. I'm embarrassed to see people and I feel like crap. I'm going back to Weight Watchers tomorrow, but I'm scared. I don't know what is going to make this time any different. And every time I convince myself that I can do it on my own and save the money...obviously that doesn't work...sheesh. I just hate when I feel this way. I hate not fitting in my clothes, I hate feeling out of shape. I hate being embarrassed to meet people or go out in public. I just want to be thin...once in my life. I'm 26 1/2 years old...and I've never been thin. I've always been the fat girl with bad skin....I'd love to not be that girl anymore.

I'm done.

I can't even tell you how much I don't want to go back to work tomorrow...

BLAH.

How can four days off of work go by SO quickly?

I just feel....so...yuck. I go to work and just wait for the time to pass by and the day to be over. Will it ever get better?

Sunday nights are the worst. I have so much hope on Friday...and by Sunday night, I'm a mess. :(

BLAH.

More ranting and raving...

So, my mother is about on my last nerve. Actually, she's already there. She's about to make me go ballistic. The total recap of all of our conversations could probably take hours, but I'll try to keep it as short as possible. First of all, she calls me yesterday and asks me for a ride home. It is totally out of my way to go and get her from work, but of course I will happily do it for her. However, I learned a long time ago that the amount of things she asks me to do are directly correlated to the amount of time that I spend with her. On the way home she starts lecturing me AGAIN about not letting people take up my time, how I need to start saying no, and not let people take advantage of me, etc. And once again, she is totally blind to how she does it. Then she asks me to bring her to work again today. Again, totally out of my way, she works at least 10 minutes further south then I do, which adds about 20 minutes on to my drive. Oh well, whatever. It's not like I'm going to leave her stranded without a ride to work. That part doesn't really bug me, it's the conversation while we're together...

Me: I was trying to put up a garland on my mantle last night but the one we bought doesn't work. DH might return that one today for a new one that might work better.
Mom: Oh, you should have him go to Sam's, they have real pine ones there. OH! While he's there, can you have him pick up a 10 lb bag of potatoes? (You know DH really wants to go to Sam's Club the day before Thanksgiving. Plus, thanks for your help/suggestions with my problem.)

or...

Mom: I went ahead and brought two stuffing mixes. You don't mind mixing those up and bringing those too, do you? I just have so much to do. (Of course not. Maybe you can come up with a third thing for me to bring to YOUR dinner.)

or...

Mom: I'm going to have to take back that stand mixer I gave you and give you my new one. They just don't make these new ones powerful enough to mix bread! (Don't get me wrong - I am grateful for the gift, but she acts like she gave me a gold mine. It is a Kitchenaid stand mixer from 1980. She talks about it all the time like she has lost a family member. She's tried two new stand mixers because she wanted a prettier one, but apparently the new ones just can't compare to this mixer from 1980. I honestly have a hard time believing that no brand on the market in 2006 is able to compare to Kitchenaid's 1980 stand mixer.)

or...

Mom: Everytime I ask you to do something else you say "sure" like it really is a problem. (Um, ya think? Everyone in my life is about to make me nuts right now! If one more person asks me for one more thing, I'm going to scream.)

I'm sure I could think of more, but that's the basic jist (gist?). Everything with her is just wrapped up in this tug of war of guilt and annoyance. She always wants me to do more things for her, she's done so much for us (and yes, she reminds me of this on a regular basis) so I really can't say no, regardless of how I feel.

Last night DH's family called us at the last minute to ask us to go out to dinner for our youngest nieces' birthday. I enjoy spending time with them, but I really don't do well with last minute changes in plans. I always have dinner plans, because I'm trying to not eat out, and I can't tell you how many times they call while I'm starting dinner to ask if we want to go out. I honestly don't think that those people know how to eat at home. It's always fast food or a sit down restaurant. It's really frustrating. But we had a good time, they insisted on paying for us, and all in all I shouldn't complain. I just get annoyed on that side because I'm the only one that works full time and they just don't seem to get why I wouldn't want to spend my little bit of precious free time with them. They are at home ALL DAY, so of course going out to eat is a nice break for them. I'm just frustrated. And there's so much stuff to do, so many dinners to go to, so much family to see. This week has been nuts since Sunday, and there's no break until after Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. I will probably ride separately from DH tomorrow, which is horrible, but I'm not going to sit around for hours and hours. I think 12-3 will be about my max, especially after seeing his family Thursday night at soccer and dinner, Sunday for our niece's birthday party, last night for dinner, and having all three nieces spend the night tonight. I am tapped out. And I need to cook tonight, get the tree decorated, clean the bathrooms, make a dessert, etc. The tree and the bathrooms don't have to be done tonight, but the sooner the better. And Friday I'm not doing anything or going anywhere until Friday night. That will still come sooner than I want, I'm sure.

I sound like everyone's out to get me, and I know that's not true. I just hate having plans every night after work and that's how this week's been. I need some time to unwind and it's just not happening. I really wish I hadn't promised to keep the girls tonight. I don't know. Part of me wants to call and ask if I can do it tomorrow night instead, but there's just really no good answer. Blah.

I'm such a mess....I AM GOING TO SCREAM!

It's just been quite a day today. I am totally in a funk. Life is weird right now. Basically I've realized that I just don't feel like I can handle much more than going to work right now. That's really about it. That's not normal, is it? Most people WANT to do stuff outside of work, right? But it's just such an effort for me to have relationships...Everything just seems to drain me SO much. I don't know what that makes me. Lazy, depressed, anti-social, what? I don't really want to hang out with friends or family...When I'm with people I have a really hard time making conversation. Meeting new people is a tremendous chore. I don't know what that means. It's kind of sad. I'm not keeping my apartment clean, getting chores done, nothing. I'm basically just working and eating. Existing, but not well.

Last night I went out to karaoke with S. I actually was pretty excited about going and my sister, C, went out too, which was fun. It's just kind of weird for me. S gets SO much attention. She does have a really good voice, she's skinny and pretty, dramatic looking. I'm used to being the fat friend....I'm used to that. But I'd just like some acknowledgement...I know I am not as good of a singer as S. I haven't had as much practice and I'm not quite as confident, but I'm not bad. And a couple of times last night, I might as well have been invisible. Yes the bar was empty, but I pity clap for everyone, even the terrible tone deaf ones. I always cheer S on, no matter what. Am I really invisible just because I'm fat? And shouldn't my friend and sister at least clap for me? Am I *that* bad? It's karaoke, it's not American Idol. It just makes me sad. Here I get the confidence to do something extremely hard for me, and now I just feel invisible and worthless and I wonder if I should even try. Yesterday I was already feeling down about gaining weight and then S and C got SO much more attention that me last night. I just don't know. I don't hate them, and I wouldn't say that I'm jealous of them, but it would be nice to feel like an equal for once, you know? And the solution to the problem seems easy enough....Just eat less and exercise, right? What's so freakin hard about that?

I was really looking forward to having a day off today, and so far, all anyone's done is make me feel like a lazy slug. I guess I just don't deserve to have any down time. I don't have kids yet.. I LOVE my nieces...But I don't want to spend all of my free time running from soccer game to soccer game. :( Basically, I get the feeling that people think I don't deserve to have any time to myself. It's just depressing. I feel like a jerk. They want me to do more, my mom wants me to do less...I don't want to do anything. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to balance all of this....My mom gave me this long lecture today about not letting other people guilt me and not letting me guilt myself into doing things. She, the person who always says what quacks that counselors are, told me that maybe I need to see a counselor to help me learn how to set boundaries. Don't get me wrong, I agree that it's a problem for me, but how can she not realize that she's the worst one of all? And she just doesn't know when to stop. It's so frustrating, because she pushes and pushes, to the point where today I was in tears and yet she kept pushing. ARGH! And all of it's in "my best interest". And then DH calls right afterwards and makes me feel like crap too. So basically, I can't make anyone happy. Not DH, not my mom, not my niece, A, and certainly not myself. Enough on that.

We were able to refinance our debt with the credit union. I'm excited about it and scared at the same time. I just don't want to DOUBLE our debt...And the fact that we are close to $90,000 in debt just makes me sick. Granted, $65K of that is student loans, but STILL. $22.5K in credit card debt? How did we do that? The refinance with the credit union will allow us to have $19K paid back in four years, but how long will it take us to pay the rest of it back? ...I just wish I'd been a little smarter about stuff. Our situation is just pitiful. And of course, DH is not worried at all. I get so tired of being the only one that cares about it. It's not like I can pay that all back in a year, or maybe even 5. It just sucks. I really should work a second job, just to get it paid off sooner. :( How can we go $150K or more into debt and buy a house when we already have so much? It makes me wonder if we should even buy a house until we're in our 30's. I always thought student loans were a no brainer, but now that Shaun's gonna come out with about $40K in student loans and so far doesn't have a job in his major field, I gotta ask myself what in the heck we were thinking. What a mess. I know God will help us to get out of this mess, and that he's forgiven me for the mistakes I've made, but I am just SO remorseful. :( So far, I've wasted at least 3 years that I could have been saving for retirement, etc., but instead I basically have NO savings, for retirement or others, and 1 1/2 times my yearly salary. All I can do at this point is continue to beg for forgiveness and for Shaun to get a job somewhere. And apparently the second job needs to be a very real consideration.

I guess that's about all for now. DH will be home in about 1 1/2 hours and I haven't done a dang thing. Our kitchen is trashed, the laundry's not started, and the rest of the apartment is a mess too. ARGHARGHARGHARHGH!!!!!